Friday, August 25, 2017

The Nearest Fight Club

It is still alarming to me how I can go from perfectly calm to absolutely enraged so quickly now.  It's like the anger is always there, right below the surface, bubbling like a stew.  I never used to be like this.  With any small stresser, I seem to boil over.   Two places in general are good triggers.  Any guesses?

The cemetery and the grocery store.

My feelings about the cemetery waffle back and forth between sad, depressed, and empty to furious, guilt-ridden, and out of control.

There are days when I miss her so badly, I go to the cemetery despite myself, unsure which feelings will follow, but needing in the worst way to be near her.  Sometimes the feelings set in the moment I've made the turn and I realize it's going to go badly, but at that point, I can't turn the car around.  I would never leave without seeing my girl.  I made it my mission in her life to never show her my back the way so many others did.  I can't do it now, even if she's under a slab of concrete and my back has become taillights.  I will never not show up for her.  That isn't me, Bob.

I abhor going to the grocery store, any grocery store. Family Fare may be worse, but the others aren't much better.  Trust me, I've tried them all.   It is complete and utter self-loathing every time I set foot on a grocery shopping errand.  Oh sure, NOW you go!  Too fucking lazy to go the day Cory died, but by all means, let's go grab a gallon of milk now that she's dead in the ground.  Good thinking, Nick!
These thoughts are so intrusive, I have resorted to earbuds while grocery shopping to try to distract myself.  If you see me bopping along in the produce section, looking more than a little pissed off...well, yeah, I guess I am a little unwell, but at least I'm coping.  I discontinued my Blue Apron subscription a few months ago as the meat quality had gone down, in my opinion, and the boys weren't feeling the exotic side dishes.  There is no choice now but to grocery shop, so I do.  I hate it.  I absolutely detest it.  By the time I've hit the parking lot, I am feeling like an absolute murderer.  If I've stopped by Family Fare (which I do all too often to because it's nearby), I have to drive right over the stretch of road where she died to get home and it completes the torture in the way only techno-color flashbacks of your child's broken body can.

Pissed off all the time.  Pissed off even when I don't have a particular reason to be or have the slightest  idea why I am.    I read somewhere that guilt is anger turned inward.  I guess I've got it inward, outward, and sideways.

Today I stopped by the store for just a couple of things.  I put my earbuds in and rushed in and out of there like the place was on fire.  But even with those precautionary measures, by the time I got to the car, not even five minutes later, my jaw was clenched, my hands were balled into fists, and I was ready to scream.  I drove past her spot, holding one hand up to block my sight and turned onto my road with my stomach in a knot.  The last steps she ever took...down this road and to what end?  Sent my beautiful girl to her death is what I did.  I don't even deserve to be here, grocery shopping or listening to music or just sitting here being mad.

 Four hours later, and I'm still just seething with anger.  Instead of wandering out into the night to join a Fight Club, I thought I'd write it out instead.  Not sure writing is as satisfying, but at least no one gets hurt.

Here's where I fall back on Lady's mantra:  however you feel is okay.  And hear Dr. Z's voice saying wisely, "Trust the Process."  I found a charm bracelet this past week with this saying on it and could not believe my luck.  Now I can wear it alongside Cory's Pandora bracelet, which contains a charm with the letter "Z" for her beloved doctor.  This man saved her life and mine.  I love him dearly.  If he thought being angry, being furious, actually, was okay as long as I didn't hunt anyone down to kill them, then I'm just going to keep plugging along.  Dr. Z is a very wise man.  Someone who could lead my girl out of the darkness is someone I will take advice from.

So for now, no fight club.  I'm gonna Trust the Process

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