All The Firsts

When you have a baby, it's all about firsts...

her first smile, the first time she sleeps through the night, her first coo, her first laugh...

and the firsts just keep coming through the years.

So then what are the firsts like when your child dies?  Here's my list:

The first time you view her body at the funeral home.

The first time you return to the cemetery to see her grave filled in.

The first time you eat out in a restaurant without her.

The first time you go to a movie without her, draping a hoodie beside you in the seat to the right of you.

The first time you smile after she is buried.

The first time you seriously contemplate suicide.

The first time you admit you need help.

The first time you reach for your phone to call and check on her before you remember she's dead.

The first time you realize your remaining child is still alive and needs you.

The first time you realize never telling that remaining child "no"  because he might die, too, is not helping him.

The first time you realize you are using medication to escape the pain.

The first time you realize you are not the only one grieving the loss of your child.

The first time you realize losing your child does not make you special.

The first time you know you can survive this loss.

The first time you speak in public about her.

The first time you do it without crying.

The first wedding you attend after knowing she will never have one.

The first one you attend without being medicated.

The first time you go to your family's holiday gathering without her.

The first time you wear one of her dresses.

The first time you allow yourself to see how many people she has touched and continues to touch.

The first time you watch American Idol without her.  

The first time you know the pain she went through has found meaning.

The first time you think maybe your pain has meaning, too.