Insomnia

We are so fragile.  And not just our bodies.

Mental health is a continuum.  Even when you're on the healthy side, something can trigger a set back in the blink of an eye.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a car accident.  I guess you'd call it a fender bender, except the man in the other car blew a yield sign, hit me, and then fled the scene.  It could have been a lot worse.  At least no one was hurt.  Well actually, I think my words were, "At least no one died".

But man, did it mess with my head.

It's always scary being in an accident.  Even seeing them as a bystander affects me horribly after Cory's accident.  This time, it was even worse.

I was just driving sedately along on the way to work after my lunchbreak.  All of the sudden I spotted movement out of the corner of my eye and I remember thinking:   He's not stopping!  He's gonna hit me! Oh shit, am I gonna die?!!

And then the jarring impact...the squeal of metal on metal.

When it stopped, I locked eyes with the other driver.  He looked furious with me that he had ran the yield sign and hit me.  I could see it on his face that he was going to run.  His eyes widened as I thought, You wouldn't dare!  His face said:  Watch me, bitch!

Sure enough, he put it in reverse, backed up, and floored it.  But not before I got his plate number.

I never cried.  I wasn't hurt.  My body was fine.

I shook all over as I waited for the cops to come.   My dealings with the officer that responded were the most positive feelings I've had toward anyone in uniform for over six years.  I could see a helpful, kind person doing his job and that was all.  Neutrality, can you dig it?  Baby steps.

The chemicals pumping through my body for the next few hours reminded me so much of that horrible day.  My scalp felt too small.  My mind wandered.  I couldn't relax.

That night I couldn't sleep, either.  I had began to visit the horrid land of What If.  All I could think about was how Cory had likely had those same exact thoughts if she'd seen the vehicle coming at her.  Oh, shit, am I gonna die?!!  And then she had.  It was almost more than I could bear.

My chest had tightened so much I couldn't imagine there being any room left in there for anything...heart, lungs...hope.  Taking a breath felt like blowing up the world's largest balloon.  I was tired before I even began.  I didn't even want to try.

From there, I relived the feel of the man's SUV slamming into my SUV...and the sound of the metal of his vehicle pushing and tangling into the metal of mine.  The more I considered it, the more I imagined that if the  impact was that strong within the protection of my vehicle, what would it have felt like for Cory?  Cory was just a woman, a small woman...flesh and bones, unprotected in any way from that impact that struck her and launched her into the air.  And what awful sounds did she hear?  Did she have time to scream?

 My heart would flinch quickly away from this consideration, but my brain?  My brain kept me up all night long, tapping my heart on its shoulder and insisting that together they examine the horrific situation...one more time.  Maybe another.  Maybe quite a few more times, actually.