All That I've Got

On the topic of coping with the loss of your child, I don't have a lot to offer.

You see, in order to cope, you would first need to accept, and frankly, I'm just not there yet.  I will get to acceptance in my own sweet time...  kicking and screaming every step of the way.   I loved her, people!!  She was my world.  I cannot just let her fade away into the night, and be okay with it.  I can't.  So if that means I'm being difficult, or weak, or whatever...then I guess I am.  There is no bucking up happening here.  I am doing the best I can to put one foot in front of the other without losing my mind.

Furthermore, why should I have to worry that I'm not recovering well enough or fast enough to suit anyone else?  That was my baby girl.  It's easy to dole out the well, if it were me, I would's when it in fact, is NOT you, and the apple of your eye is still within arm's reach.

 Do I sound angry?  I am.  I am angry all the time.  Sometimes I know why, and other times I just seethe in a confused, and miserable state that makes my stomach ache.  To anyone I may snap at, or hurt, just know it is likely not even you that I'm angry at...I'm just angry, in general.  I'm angry she's gone.  I'm angry she was cheated out of so many experiences.  I'm angry that her illness cheated her out of three good years that could have been filled with so much more than appointments, dr visits, and meds.  I'm angry that I tried so hard and screwed it all up in the end.  It makes me feel like everything I did for her didn't even matter at all.  Sweep, and gone. 

Here's where I am currently: 
 I cannot imagine my life without her, and I don't want to.  I do not want this to be happening.  Take it back, I'd like a do over.


Very few things help on this journey.
  But here's what I've learned so far:


1.  Buy a sound machine to help you sleep. 

2.  Use aromatherapy.  Light candles.  Wear a calming scent like lavender or vanilla.
 If it brings you comfort, versus upsetting you, wear a scent that smells like your loved one.

3.  If you are a woman, switch to a tiny purse.  If you are a man, clean out your wallet.  Grief is heavy enough all on its own, give your shoulders or your hip a break. 

4.  Embrace paper plates and plastic cups...at least until you are able to run your household more comfortably.

5.  Keep a journal.
You will likely resent it when people comment on how good you look, or how well you are doing.  Have a way to track your own progress in your own words.  Be honest. 

6.  Draw feeling pie graphs every few days.  You will have so many different feelings, it can be overwhelming.  Seeing them on paper will help you sort them out.
Also, people will likely tell you will be all right, or that one day you will be happy again.  This will make you want to punch them in the face. 
 But to feel LESS suicidal or LESS miserable are realistic goals that still validate your feelings.
 Happy?  No. 
 Whole?  Never. 
Not wanting to put your head in the oven on a daily basis?  That would be nice.

7.  If you have pets, let them comfort you.
 Sometimes there are no words that can be said to make you feel any better. They have better non-verbal skills than most humans. 
 Plus, it is highly unlikely that your dog or cat will ever say the wrong thing when all they are trying to do is a be a good friend or family member.

That's all I've got for now.