Lately, I have been wrestling with the concept of moving Cory from right beside me, under my wing, to safely ensconced in my heart. A lovely idea...but how in the world do you do it? I have asked many people, and scoured the internet. There seems to be no specific formula. This pisses me off (what doesn't these days?). I have heard and read a lot of touchy, feely, vague, and fluffy answers- the answer is within you, only you can answer that, it will come to you when you are open to it...blah, blah, blah.
I am a visual person, people. Don't tell me anything! Show me!
Well, folks, I'm here to tell you, said info is not out there. What is out there, veiled in cautious, positive language is this: figure it out.
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine!
The only thing that came immediately to mind were rituals. Rituals are a way to connect, and staying connected to Cory is what I need more than anything. More than food, more than water, more than air. Rituals take the every day actions, and render them holy by the intention behind the act. "Sacred" is the word a friend of mine used, which means set apart for a specific purpose.
I began by researching what different cultures do while mourning their loved ones. First up, I had to check out the Native American ritual of cutting their hair when someone dies. It is symbolic in two ways: one as an outward sign to others that you and your loved one's life together has been severed and two, it is an offering of strength to the deceased on their next path. It is said that as the hair grows back, the mourner begins anew, letting their loved one move on to their next journey as they begin the rest of their journey here, without them.
I discovered many different grieving rituals around the world and through different time periods. It was overwhelming. How do I find something that will keep my girl with me always?
It occurred to me as I thought this over, that taking Cory's shoes and placing them on the steps in Italy was a ritual of sorts. Have I done other rituals that didn't require international travel without even thinking about it? Maybe. I'm not sure. Sometimes when you're in the thick of a stressful situation, you act intuitively, and progress is hard to recognize or measure.
An example? When I taught in the classroom, it was sometimes difficult to see progress when working with a child with challenging behaviors. When you are on the front lines everyday, sweat dripping down your forehead and being kicked in the stomach, incidents begin to blur together. Some people call it battle fatigue; others call it the preschool experience. It often took an outside observer to come in and point out that out of 5 requests, Johnny complied with 2...an enormous amount of progress when prior to interventions, he would have refused all 5, and gave you the finger while he was at it. And possibly called you a bitch.
So, I decided, I need to become as much of an outside observer as I can in this situation. I need to get some data, and access the situation. If rituals are about connection, purposeful and reverent to the person doing them...have I been doing some rituals all along? I think of Cory every day, all day long...how often do those thoughts lead me to an action that connects us, and keeps her in my heart? I need to be counting them, and counting on them.
So, for the next 30-ish days (which consequently will lead up to her 21st birthday), I'm going to make a conscious effort to record any rituals I find myself doing or may invent along the way.
Cory would think this was so cool.
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