It starts when the days get truly warm. School is almost out. Layoff from work looms ahead. I catch myself planning what I'll do with my kids while I'm off and amend the thought to "kid". What will I twist Jake's arm to do with me?
Three days into June, and that feeling of dread is thick upon my soul. Something horrible is about to happen. I can feel it in the air. Can't you? The faintest sound of sirens makes my skin crawl.
I saw a man walking down West Michigan today with a deformed foot. He lurched along, appearing to walk directly on his ankle while his foot just flopped reluctantly along. I looked away, instantly seeing Cory's body so twisted and ruined, in my mind, as I drove closer and closer to the spot where she landed. I hate this road. I hate this neighborhood. I hate this house, and sometimes I wish I could move, but that would mean going through her room, so I guess I'll stay here until I die. Her jackets still hang in the entryway-almost two years later; that's where I am with the belongings part.
All those thoughts I've worked my way past are back: how hard the vehicle hit her, the sound it must have made- one that I never heard but read about in the police report. I'm back to wondering if she hurt? Did she know what happened? Did she want her mom? Did she try to call for help?
Her lips were so blue. I'll never forget catching sight of the dark cast of her mouth as they rolled her slowly and gently over onto her back. I thought she'd broken her leg. Maybe she'd have a concussion. Never, ever, in a million years could I have imagined that she would be struck down, thrown to the side like a bag of trash, broken and bleeding by the side of the road...all because she wanted to help her mom make dinner.
She did nothing wrong. She wasn't being irresponsible. She wasn't hurting anyone. It hardly seems fair when so many others get so many chances to do better that they don't even use.
This whole season with its graduates and weddings can just take a flying leap. Where is my girl's cap and gown? Where is her proud smile? Why can't I take her shopping for a wedding gown? Where is the man that made my girl's heart his home? When will I get to hold her child in my arms?
Eff this life.
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