Giving Thanks

No one can take your steps in grief for you.
This was just as true as ever when Jacob and I hesitated outside the door to my sister's house.  I wanted him to open the door and walk in first, and he wanted the same from me.  So we just sort of stood there a couple minutes, while I took a deep breath and readied myself to walk in to the first family holiday gathering since Cory died.

Did I mention I didn't really want to go?  It was thinking about how precious time is with the ones you love that finally set my body in motion.  I would never forgive myself if something happened to my parents before I felt "ready" to rejoin holiday land.

On the other side of the door was everything I was afraid of...new memories that might interfere with keeping my girl front and center of my mind, being one of them.  As I barely shut the door behind me, I was tackled by a jubilant Cayla, my nephew's fiance, and a treasured friend of Cory's.  "You came!" and into my hair whispered, "I know how hard this is for you, and if you need to go talk, just find me."

I got you, girl.

For the first five minutes, I hovered near my mother like a small child.  Finally, I went to go see my dad, and he stood up out of his chair to grab me up in a giant hug, "Ohh, I love ya, I love ya.  Did you hear me?  Did you hear what I said?"

Sweetest man alive.

Jake went to hang with his cousins, and I decided to go ahead and give it my all, seeing as I was already there, anyways.  One thing I can do is turn it on.  Full blast.

I bantered and smiled, made people laugh, and finally began to feel Cory's presence right about the time I began ribbing my sister, Ronda, about her skinniness.  I have so often been the target with my sisters, I simply couldn't help myself.  The meds have given me an extra ten pounds, and I weigh the most I have ever weighed when not pregnant.  True to sibling form, I must pick on someone else.

My niece, Alisha, is also a tiny creature, and the two of us began debating who out of the three of us had more meat on their upper arms.  Can you feel the ridiculousness that is our family?  It's good stuff, folks.

We argued on, until finally I declared we would never really settle this without a measuring tape.  Cayla stood up from her chair like a shot, and ran off to get one.  Oh, Cory, are you seeing this?!

Arms were measured, with Alisha beating me by a half-inch.  I hung my head in shame.

Before long, the food was ready and everyone filled their plate a time or three.  After desserts were sampled, the mayhem continued with an impromptu sister selfie session.  I haven't taken pics like that with anyone since Cory died.  I could feel her somewhere right in the middle of it all, laughing and snorting in the proper places.

My sisters and I got a picture taken with our parents, because well...treasures.
This was Thanksgiving without Cory.

 It was awful, but kind of nice, all at the same time.