Superstar!

When you are visibly feeling better, people bombard you with positive feedback.  It's pretty heady.  You feel like a superstar, but know somewhere deep inside, you'll never be able to live up to this image of yourself forever.

My oldest and dearest friend recently told me, "at times, it seems like you're making progress, but then you slip, and it's like day one."

She may have just described my entire life since July 5th, 2012 in one sentence.  Why is she not a writer?  Seriously?  

That is just what this is like.  Being every bit as cheery and optimistic as I've been since fourth grade, I told her that, and she responded with a question,

"What is bigger, you or the pain?"

Fair enough question.  And I will give a fair answer:

It depends on the day.

Last week I had three excellent days...days I felt alive and a certain measure of peace.  

Of course, what is up must come down.  And where should I fall down but my old worrying place, the shower, on Friday evening?

Another dear friend of mine would call it sabotage.  I recognized my happiness, and decided I didn't deserve it- insert crying jag, here.

If it is self-sabotage, it's buried deep, folks.  As much as it might to appear to someone who's never gone through this, I do not enjoy the pain.  It's not a good place to live.  And to get out of it, or stay out of it, it's not all choice and attitude.  To the loved one who told me it's impossible to be depressed while skipping, I challenge you to a skip-a-thon, and we'll see which one of us gets over the death of our child first.

Some of it is depression.  Some of it is trauma.  Some of it is grief.  Some of these are natural responses and others are, at least in part, rooted in brain chemistry.  I would be foolish to think the dark times won't be round my way again.  The best I can is hold tight to the memory of my three days while I go through them, and wait for another three to come.  

It can't rain forever.