The Glory of It All

Yesterday I had lunch with two of my sisters and the newlywed of the hour, Mrs. Blake Minor.  Afterwards, my sister, Tammy, and I ran some errands.  I was really rather proud of myself at first because I held it together walking the interior strip of the mall which is something I never do.  It was one of our haunts, and it is just that for me...haunted.  I get myself so lost in time that I honestly except to casually turn to my right, as I expected to do for the rest of her life and mine, and just tell her something.  Share.  It was her birthright to have that from me, wasn't it?

Speaking of which, you will be happy to know I did not neglect my little man during this trip, but strode with purpose into Barnes and Noble on the prowl for that most wonderful inventions of the comic book world:  the graphic novel.  I held it in my hands, hardover and all, and just admired the beauty of the artwork.  Cory would've fairly salivated on the spot.  And not that I am wishing to turn Jacob into Cory, but I will admit my heart was brimming to the tippy top with hope that attention to his likes and interests would rope him back into sharing the love affair of reading with me.  Can I not at least have that if Tim gets all the rest?  I marched firmly up to the counter, commenting to Tammy if he did not get excited about this book, I was going to refuse to claim him as my DNA...which sounds rough, but guys if you had seen this book...

Afterwards, Tammy and I ended up at Ulta, the makeup store of all creation, and that is where I had the mother of all panic attacks.  Tammy and I agreed that that store is a clever, clever invention, but somewhat of a complete sensory overload:  all the choices!  The shininess, the packaging, the newness, the-pamper-yourself-sheer-delight of the place is really unparalleled.  I'm sure I don't have to tell you for you to know that it breaks my heart every time I set foot in that place because Cory never even had the chance to marvel at its existence.

Every other occasion I've been in Ulta has been with my niece, Alisha, who is a tiny, strong-spirited little spitfire of a young lady who can be fiercely protective of her loved ones and would shepherd me around that place like I was one of her young.

Today, after my success at the mall, stopping into Hot Topic, even to buy a My Chemical Romance sticker for my journal because going inside places Cory frequented and having imaginary transactions with her is all I have left, I was feeling brave.  The minute Tammy and I entered Ulta, we split off, velociraptor-like to hunt.  There was Michael Jackson or something on the radio, and I was bopping around like I owned the place.  All was well, until it wasn't.

Every where I looked I saw my girl.  It's like when you're madly in love with someone and every minor observation of your environment short circuits back, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon style to that one person that lights your way.  My heart pines for her.  Pines, people.  So the display of shiny flat irons?  I had to stop and caress the one I'd choose for her.  The jeweled head bands?  I'd almost picked out three for her before I could stop myself.  The makeup?  I am biologically programmed to buy for two.  It was all a little overwhelming for me, and as I touched base with Tammy every five minutes or so, I fully admit to whining "I miss Cory" no less than twenty three times.

Finally, this song came on.  It was a song Cory used to love and we'd dance to it in the car and sing along, and I have a particularly vivid memory of her the Halloween she wore the O'bama mask with an impish grin behind it.  That song, "I Won't Teach Your Boyfriend to Dance With You" was on the radio as we sped down West Michigan toward my parents house for candy, and she was sort of hung a third of the way out the open passenger window with that ridiculous mask on, just bopping her head along and singing.  It really was a glorious moment.

So yeah, that song came on which never plays on the radio anymore, and I started to just freak the eff out.  My chest tightened till I thought I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding out of my chest, and I started to feel overheated, and like I might just fall down somewhere.

I can't run a simple errand without losing my mind because she was my right hand.  We had it like that.  And now, I guess, I have it like this.  I LOVED being the person she loved best in the world, and now, well, I have to pay the price for that rare and sacred privilege of being her mother and her best friend all at the same time- I have to pay for the glory of it all.