"I Got You"

Jacob has always been a quiet boy.  He is the quintessential "still water that runs deep".  He may be thinking many things behind those beautiful eyes, but if he doesn't trust you implicitly, you will never know.  Since Cory's death, he has retreated from others even more, preferring to communicate online with all his gaming buddies who live across the country.  This may be typical teenage boy in this new electronic age, but the fact that he never has friends over anymore...not as typical.

He is happiest in his comfy gaming chair with his light up keyboard, chatting up his cyber-friends through his headphones/mic combo.  Every few weeks, he'll try to shake me down for money to add to his gaming empire.  I am usually able to resist, as I see that contributing to his gaming gear will only reinforce his isolation.  Once and awhile, I cave, because if you can't spoil your last living child, why exactly are you still here?

So, once and awhile, I contribute to his coping skill- that is, what he's doing after all.  All of this online gaming is an escape from the constant, gnawing grief of losing his big sister, his best friend.  And I recognize, that while I'd love to see him be more social, there are far more unhealthy coping skills he could be choosing.

I remember, too, that some of his reluctance to socialize in person is simply his temperament, and I suspect, too, he may have a touch of that social anxiety I've had forever.  The loss of Cory has probably deepened it, as trauma tends to do.

But the Jacob I know?  The Jacob he shows me, his most trusted confidante?

He is absolutely amazing.  He is wildly intelligent, cautious, kind, funny, silly, and gallant.

Gallant?  Yes, gallant.

He doesn't always remember to hold doors for girls, but I'm steadily reminding him.  He has unwavering opinions on how women should be treated- what is acceptable and what is not.  I have no doubt that he will be a good and kind man, and if I have a thing in the world to do with it, he will be an amazing husband.

The gallant comes in like this:

The other night he was doing the familiar shake-Mom-down-for-gaming-funds.  I was declining him with no problem.  He sensed this, and suddenly upped his game.  We were walking through the living room, and he took me by the elbow, "Let's dance."

I giggled into his eyes.  "Are you trying to woo me, Jacob Mansfield?"

"Maybe."  he said back with the tiniest of smiles, but his eyes sparkling.

My heart just beamed, as I imagined him bantering with girls and women in this way someday- this is his flirting style.

I've been trying to teach him to waltz here and there, and every time we get back to it, I think that someday I will be dancing with him at his wedding, and it makes me quite glad to be alive.  It makes all the horror of living without his sister completely worth it.

So here we were, dancing clumsily, and without music across our living room floor.  He tried to dip me, and I panicked at the last moment, jumping out of his embrace.  He cracked up at this.  "Mom!  You never let me dip you!"

"I was afraid you would drop me!"  I laughed back.

"Mom!  I would never drop you!"  he responded.  "I'm strong.  I got you."

I got you.

I got you, girl.

I think he does.  I think the next time we dance, I'll risk my spine to make him feel trustworthy.  And every time, we goof around like this, I realize the reason I have chosen to stay alive in a world without Cory is standing right in front of me, his still small hand on my waist, learning how to guide a girl around the floor.

And he's worth it.  He is so worth it.