Get Over It Already

Easter will be no big deal,

This is what I think until I'm in the middle of Target picking out fillings for Jacob's Easter basket, leaving Cory's favorite treats sitting on the shelf.  I actually get excited to stumble across a couple of The Walking Dead t-shirts, until I remember I can't get any for her because she's dead, and she's never even seen the show, also because she's dead.

I imagine there are people out there thinking, "Just get over it, already.  Move on."  I'd like to see you try.

Moving through Target this morning, putting one chocolate bunny in my cart instead of two hurt no less than if someone had asked me to open up my chest and hollow out my still beating heart with an ice cream scoop.

Cory will never be in my past.  Friends will intellectually (and wholeheartedly) agree with me.  "Oh yes, of course, she will always be with you."

But I think they make that statement from one safe and sane point of view, as a positive reminder that I had such a girl and she is loved still.  They say it to be kind, to be supportive, with no real understanding of what that really means.  She will always be with me- the good memories...AND the road, putting her in the ground, living without her.   The trauma remains, too- it's a package deal.  No one sorts it out neatly and hands you back the good times that you can remember without feeling your heart break in half.

I am here this morning after a tour of hell through Target for goodies and than Kohl's for a dress shirt, remembering how Cory was buried in the last Easter dress she had the chance to wear.  A holiday, that I thought would be...not terrible...suddenly has my chest tight and my heart beating at an uncomfortable pace.  My hands are shaking and I'm so angry and heartbroken, I want nothing but to run away.