And the thoughts come fast, fast, fast...same as ever, they never change- "How did this happen? What did I do wrong?"
While Jake is taking a post-dinner nap, having told me all about his fifth day of high school, I am free to root through pics of Cory and cry silently without making him worry for me. I stopped to see her twice today- once on the way to work and once on the way home, and I still...STILL...can't reconcile my beautiful girl with that place in the ground. That second time, on the way home, I had to kneel in front of her and just beg her forgiveness. I'm so sorry, Cory! I'm so sorry!! I should've gone to the store. I depended on you too much. It was my responsibility.
See? Lots of other people still have their girls. I screwed it all up.
It isn't fair! And while I can forgive the people who did her wrong while she was alive, I find I'm still not a big enough person to forgive the one who took her life...although that apology has never been offered and probably never will be. Sometimes you don't get that apology that you think you rightfully deserve. And you have to move on, anyway.
What is "I'm sorry" after all? It means nothing. It changes nothing, really. Sometimes people say it to get their way. Sometimes people say it to appease other people. Sometimes it's a blatant lie. What I know from my experience in an abusive relationship is that "I'm sorry" is useless and meaningless. The only time someone is ever really sorry for their actions is when they make the effort not to repeat them...over and over again...and this, of course, would come after owning the shit they did in the first place.
Forgiving someone who hasn't apologized is supposed to bring you peace and lighten your burden. In many cases, I agree. I have forgiven Bob for so much for both me and my girl. But to forgive the driver? That's somewhere I'm not yet. To forgive myself? Somedays I can get there.
Just not today. Today I feel like a piece of crap who can't even get in front of the person I need to see to tell her if I had it all to do over again, I'd never make the same mistake twice.
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