I imagine the triggers to stack intricately on top of one another like a precarious house of cards.
When I was growing up, I watched that episode of the Brady Bunch with the house of cards, and suffered my first real anxiety attack watching one of those girls -Jan or Marcia- add card after card with her clunky charm bracelet swinging like a wrecking ball. Hello!! Take it off, already. You are gonna knock your house down, woman!
If only avoiding the triggers were as easy as taking off a piece of jewelry. But these torpedoes of sight, sound, touch, smell, and even taste can hit without warning. They sting. And they are cumalative. Once you've been hit, you are that much more vulnerable to the next one, and the next.
These memory triggers can find you anytime, anywhere. They know no boundaries...ruthless little bastards, really.
On the first truly frigid day of this winter, I was up getting Jake around for school. I had been awake for at least 40 minutes. I was fully awake, going about my morning routine. And yet...
as I went to Jake's sock drawer to get his extra thick socks to keep him warm, I thought to myself,
I gotta remind Cory to wear her gloves when she gets Jake afterschool or she'll freeze.
Maybe I count of three before I caught myself, and quite literally slapped a hand to my forehead in horror.
Today during a meeting at work, there was a break in the conversation as we waited for someone to join us. My mind went to its normal track thought for such pauses...when this is over, I gotta call Cory and see how she's doing. Two seconds later, the anguish covered my heart like a cold glove and squeezed for all it was worth.
I wonder if that's what a real heart attack feels like. I don't see how it could be much worse.
Sometimes I pull the memory trigger myself. I got to missing her so bad the other morning, i buried my face in her fluffy shower robe for nearly 5 minutes. In my sweater drawer is one of her favorite t-shirts. When I sniff it, she could be standing right next to me. It is comforting and torturous in equal amounts. It... hurts so good.
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