One of the questions at the Western class was how has the loss of Cory changed my relationship with Jacob. Once there, I opened to my mouth to say what I had been prepared to say- that I didn't even notice Jake was in the room for at least three months after the accident, that I distanced myself from him as a protective measure against future pain (maybe even to some degree to this day), and that I have become an extremely inconsistent and permissive parent...you can have anything you want, just please don't die.
While all those things are true, I also worked this out in my answer to the class. I've been trying, consciously or subconsciously, to make Jacob to fill Cory's role in my life. Cory was many things to me: a daughter, a friend, a junior co-parent. We held many of the same interests. We had nearly twenty years of history.
What it came down to was this: if I expected the frizzy haired older woman back on the Urbandale playground to understand that telling me I had "one child still alive, so that's ok" was a horrible thing to say because I couldn't be Jake's sister anymore than he could be my daughter, then shouldn't I practice what I preach?
It was unfair, and edging on psychologically harmful for me to poke and prod at Jacob to spend time with me doing things that Cory and I did, and to make him turn away from his personality in any way to fit into someone else's shoes. I took every rebuff he doled out as "he doesn't love me like Cory did" instead of realizing I was asking him to be my Cory Girl, something he could never be, and something that shouldn't be asked of him. Wow, what have I been doing to my child?
Yesterday morning, something else hit me. No wonder he wasn't sharing his innermost feelings about the loss of his sister; with whom did he share all his secrets? Cory. Whatever secrets a young boy may have had were spilled out on the trek home from Urbandale Elementary to our house when Cory walked him home from school each day.
Weren't they allies, afterall? Even siblings that don't get along have a lifelong bond just from being the hostages to fortune of their parent's life decisions. And Jacob and Cory did get along, amazingly so. Not only had Jake lost his big sister, he'd lost the witness to his childhood. Any stories he couldn't quite remember the details of, that were just between them, were now gone, just as she was. When he is an adult, he will have no one to help him give testament about how his parents did everything wrong, and ruined his life.
I thought about this, and just ached for my boy. The one person he was most likely to open up to about how he was feeling was the person who had died.
What I feel so strongly coming from Cory is this: It's okay, Mom. Everybody makes mistakes. But now that you know what you did wrong, what are you going to do different from now on? Jacob needs you, and he is growing up so fast. I just look at him and can't stop smiling...that boy!
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