My loss has forced me to make connections with others that my shy personality would never have allowed me before. It has given me a voice, one that often whines and demands the impossible, but a voice nonetheless. It has also given me deep empathy for others who suffer similar losses.
This situation, unwelcome and horror-filled has caused me to dig deep for even the smallest reason to stay alive. Granted, I have lots of big reasons, but what can be seen across the room in the middle of flying debris? Nothing but the storm.
Cory's illness was similar in its cyclical pattern. It was up to her support people- Dr Z, my parents, and myself to remind her that the storm would eventually pass, and there would be calm for a period of time- no promises that the storm wouldn't return, but a break to catch your breath, and enjoy the feeling of being alive. Time to laugh. Time to love.
Negative thinking gets me everytime. Before I realize it, I've got the most deadly combination of guilt, hopelessness, and misery brewing in my head. It takes a tiny girl with the strength of many who still speaks to me in my mind, to remind me to move along, nothing is forever- not even pain.
I love you, Mommy. It can't rain forever
Cory might say she hates to see me suffer, and on the occasions she catches me smiling or laughing, if feels just as good to her as it used to feel to me when she smiled and laughed, her illness be damned. She might say she loves to see me in the kitchen, cooking for the boys, with the music on, just like the old days. She might say the studio is the coolest thing ever, and that it's complete sacrilege to it sit unused while I lay in bed, day after depressed day.
She might say she's proud of all the writing I've done, and the way I haven't abandoned this blog that I started, but instead use it as a tool to reflect, and a way to share my experiences with others. She'd definitely say she misses me, Jake, and all her family and friends. She'd say she can't believe how tall and handsome he's becoming.
She'd say she wishes she could be here with us, but it just wasn't meant to be.
She's say she's so sorry she had to leave us, but it was her time.
"Watch for me, Mommy. I'm all around you."
Cory might say she hates to see me suffer, and on the occasions she catches me smiling or laughing, if feels just as good to her as it used to feel to me when she smiled and laughed, her illness be damned. She might say she loves to see me in the kitchen, cooking for the boys, with the music on, just like the old days. She might say the studio is the coolest thing ever, and that it's complete sacrilege to it sit unused while I lay in bed, day after depressed day.
She might say she's proud of all the writing I've done, and the way I haven't abandoned this blog that I started, but instead use it as a tool to reflect, and a way to share my experiences with others. She'd definitely say she misses me, Jake, and all her family and friends. She'd say she can't believe how tall and handsome he's becoming.
She'd say she wishes she could be here with us, but it just wasn't meant to be.
She's say she's so sorry she had to leave us, but it was her time.
"Watch for me, Mommy. I'm all around you."
Listen to her!
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