I looked around the room inside my local community mental health facility, and thought, "You're kidding!!? Really?"
Me? Negative thinking? Color me surprised. Why in the hell did she think I was there, exactly?
As I tried to explain that the flashbacks, lack of sleep, and lack of appetite were turning me into a zombie who was just too exhausted to go play pretend amongst all the happy people, she urged me to reframe my negative thoughts into something more positive.
Which I guess would go something like this: my cat just died, but he had a good life. My daughter died, but she had a mostly good life, if you don't count the mental illness and abandonment by her fathers.
About a week ago, I was at dinner with sister and brother-in-law, and sat debating with them about whether or not my relationship choices had kicked Cory's illness into gear. Sort of gently fed up with my guilt and tears, Kim laid her hand on my arm, and said, "Look, it was always you for her. Don't you know that? It didn't really matter what anyone else did. She had you."
The instant the words left her mouth, I felt the heaviest, loudest bell toll in my heart. Truth. I reached across the booth and hugged her tight. Thank you.
Just reframe, huh, crisis lady? She made it sound so easy, that I found myself searching her face and posture. She gave off not one whiff of the despair that losing a child puts into your walk or your eyes. I wondered if she could possibly knew what I knew as fact:
Sometimes the feelings just take over and hold you hostage for a bit. They handle you however they want and answer to no one. You just wait for release, while ducking the stick.
You have to know that you did NOTHING to make Cory's illness kick in. Your sister is right, she always had you, you were the constant that she needed
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