Show me That Trick, She said

So here's the neat trick my counselor, Lady, showed me today.

Trauma makes the part of your brain that responds to fight, flight, or freeze get stuck or at least overstimulated.  Part of recovering from trauma is creating places, internal and external, that make you feel safe, so that your sensory-laden short term memories of the traumatic event can be organized, and stowed away, puzzle like, in your long term memory.  This makes you able to walk through life without becoming easily startled, over anxious, or just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Supposedly.

So today, I drew a safe memory as Lady asked me questions about what I drew.  My safe memory?  The kids and I at the Chinese restaurant, the one where we always ordered the same thing, the one where we laughed and took silly pictures, the one where everything felt ok.  Lady asked me what made this safe?  That was easy.  We always knew everything that was going to happen.  Sometimes I think that should be the definition of safe.

Living with bi-polar disorder means the unknown swoops in and out of your days, stirring things up and catching you off guard.  Living with someone who has it means you ride the rollercoaster with them.

But back to trauma.  Lady told me this memory that I put on paper was in my brain, in my body, just the same as all those gruesome pictures from the accident and the funeral.  With a little effort, I can conjure it or many others and create a sense of safety at any moment, if I'm feeling anxious.

It wasn't until I got home, and unfolded my piece of paper to add it to my journal that I noticed, I had chosen a time when it was just the kids and I.  No Bob.  No Tim.  Just me and my babies.  At least, I know if I felt safe during that time, it's likely that Jake and Cory did, too.  So I did okay on my own.

 I did good.