Endure

After being down for two days, I am out of bed, and at the coffee shop, back on the blog.  I am wearing my Venice earrings for peace, a skull scarf Cory would've loved, and what Cory labeled my "tough" boots.  I may not be wearing makeup and my hair is a piled up mess on top of my head, but I am vertical, and that's what really matters.

I've been trying to use "laughter" as my guideword these last few months.  While certainly positive, it isn't always honest.  Sometimes you just can't get there.  So I am going with "endure".  That's what Cory did.

We had to make our goals for her illness realistic.  While we certainly hoped she would turn out to be one of the blessed souls whose symptoms simply abate once they hit their early twenties, we weren't hanging our hat on it to only be bitterly disappointed when it didn't happen.  Instead our goal working with Dr. Z was something concrete, measurable, and probable-  for her episodes to become shorter and farther apart.  In other words, for her to have more good days than bad days.  And for those bad days, to outfit her with a plethora of coping skills and support.

I think my goal should be the same.  This will never go away.  I need to be committed to enduring, having more good days than bad, and building my coping skills and support circle.  It's okay to fall in the ditch every so often, but I don't want to spend months there.  I want to follow Cory's strong example, and get up and walk on, over and over again.  I want to make her proud.

I've found that the busier I stay, the fewer flashbacks I have.  Since I've been back to work, using my brain to solve problems that have nothing to do with my loss, they have decreased a lot.  As soon as I noticed that, I jumped on it.  I have few different things I'm working on:  the blog, my art journal, my goal of drawing 100 faces, making the moody girl stickers and magnets, adding finishing touches to my little studio, and painting 100 canvases.  Add to that, trying to cook at least 4-5 times a week and getting Jake outside, even if it means putting his beloved kitten in a harness, and walking her right along with the dog.

Does that sound like a to-do list?  It is.  And I am sharing it because I want to be held accountable.