Taking It as It Comes

I talked a little with a friend who recently lost her husband.  She is seeing a grief counselor, and said she was relieved to hear that the stages of grief are not a linear graduation, but instead you can think you are past, say, the anger, just to be outraged by the most unexpected trigger.  The counselor told her that people are individuals who flow in and out of the stages as they need to as they process their loss, and new circumstances.

This conversation sparked 2 thoughts for me and my "journey"- really, there's got to be a better word for this path through hell, but I'm at a loss for it right now.

One, I should take it easy on myself.  If one of my closest friends or loved ones was going through a similar situation, I would fully expect them to be pretty darn dysfunctional.  I would have to separate myself from their irrational bouts of anger, their inability to feel joy, their constant gnawing guilt.  I would have to understand that a person grieving must go through all of these feelings, in some measure or another, possibly for the rest of their lives.  I would be kind to my friend; I would be accepting; I would listen. I would try to help them not get stuck in a stage, if I could.  So if I would do that for someone else, why wouldn't I do it for myself?

It's not a bad thing to have big emotions, to question, or to even be depressed at times.  It is all a part of the process, and from what I've read, if you don't go into the feelings, they will chase you down in the end, and control you before you can control them.  Dr. Z said from the beginning, "Trust the process."

The being kind to yourself part is just good common sense.  You are learning to live without your loved one.  Whenever someone is learning something new, you must go over things repeatedly.  You must teach the skill in the way the person learns best.  You might have to let them make mistakes, and learn from them.  You observe.  You support.  You scaffold.  You expand.  So again, if you would do that for someone else, don't you deserve the same courtesies?  Grief is a huge and complicated lesson.  New Normal is a foreign, terrifying world to navigate.  Be patient as you find your way around.

And secondly, I am learning to take laughter where I can find it.  If I laugh once or twice a day, I have a better day.  It's true!  When I think about how Cory and I got through her dark days, I remember laughing as much as we possibly could.  (And cooking her a lot of steak- steak crusted with fresh ground peppercorns and covered in a brandy cream sauce, steak covered in sautéed mushrooms and a vermouth cream reduction, steak with a red wine sauce... steak, steak, steak).

  It was a beef bonanza, and Cory's very favorite comfort food.  I might have to give it a try.