SOS

Dr. Z said that one day the sweetness of the memories will outweigh the pain of her absence.

I love that man, but I'm not always sure he knows what he's talking about.

 However:

the other night, I started having flashbacks.  Nights are always the worst for this, and for missing her.  It didn't help that earlier that evening, when dark had fallen, some random guy walked in front of my car on West Michigan, wearing DARK clothes, including a hoodie over his head.


FUCKING REALLY?!!  

Of course, he made it to the other side of the road safely, all limbs and organs intact, and I just continued driving down the road screaming like a lunatic at the injustice of it all.

Maybe that's where the flashbacks came from.  Safe and warm in my bed, covers to my chin, my eyes began to scan the ground for her body, finally seeing something flung to the side, surrounded by people, I shook my head in the dark.

Stop!  Stop!  Stop!  

I tried to tell myself I was not there, roadside, I was in my bed, and it had been two years-- I spied the hump of her back, her splayed legs, the way her hair had fallen forward, thereby judiciously covering any telltale slumps or bulges.

Stop!!!!!!!!!!

I sat up, suddenly wanting more than anything to just hear her voice.  I got out my phone, pulled up that video on Facebook- the one where's she's singing along to a song.  Watching and listening to videos of her makes me joyously happy and dangerously suicidal, at the same time.

So this time, I snugged down under the covers, anchoring my cold butt to the mattress warmer, grabbed my stuffed animal, pulled the covers back up to my chin, and put in my ear buds.  I closed my eyes, and let the video play.  Her voice, so sweet and familiar filled my head, and the only thing I got from it was comfort.  Why had I never thought of this before?

Stop.  Orient.  And Soothe.

I think I'll download this video clip to my phone where I can play it on a loop, and let her sing to sleep some nights.  She'll be right beside me.