Cory's Wishes

Mom and I stayed near the Trevi Fountain in Rome, which is one of the most famous fountains in the world.  It is staggeringly beautiful, towering over us mere mortals from 86 feet above.  Legend has it that visitors who throw a coin into its water will be ensured a return to Rome someday.  Mom and I had read your chances were increased if you turned away from the fountain, and tossed the coin over your head with eyes closed.  Reminding myself of the travel costs of this incredible trip, I obediently followed directions to the letter.  We took pictures of each other with arms in flight, smiling at the unlikelihood of our wishes coming true, but unable NOT to hope that maybe, just maybe the legend would hold true for us, the chosen ones.

Our Trevi Fountain expedition was on our self-declared “day off” in Italy.  We were running ourselves ragged trying to make sure we saw everything and did everything on our wish list, when in fact we were cutting short the time to do the things that would bring the most comfort and healing. I longed to sit at the outdoor cafes and draw.  I needed to take the hectic pace out of my agenda, and just breathe in the air of a foreign land.  So the day after the Vatican, an amazing half day walking tour that nearly disabled us both, we declared a holiday in the middle of our Italian holiday.  Can you think of anything more decadent and outrageous?  We would visit the fountain- mere blocks away- eat more gelato, people watch, and just relax. 

After making our wishes at the famous fountain, I walked away, my mind turning, as it always does to Cory.  Had she been with me this day, pitching coins with glee, and laughing as she came quite close to conking a fellow tourist in the ear with a mislaunched euro, what would her wishes have been?  Returning to Rome would be lovely, but certainly not at the top of the list of her heart’s desires.

After so many conversations with my girl, here’s what I think they may have been:

She would have wished her illness away, or at least for the symptoms to retreat to the point that her life could progress nearly as normally as anyone else’s.

She would have wished for the love of a boy who made her laugh, made her feel safe, and whose hand was always there when she reached for it.

She would have wished to finish school, and begin college, the first step to finding a career doing something she loved- like writing, making art, or helping others.

She would have wished to reconnect with all the friends she’d lost contact with over the years of her illness.

She would have wished for the driver’s license, the clunker, and a part time job where she would prove to everyone, but most of all to herself, that she was a productive member of society.

She would have wished for yet another kitten (God help us all), and a goldfish in her room. After her death, I read in her journal that she desperately wanted a fish in her bedroom like Jake had in his, and I wept for nearly an hour.  She never said a word.  Her wants were so small.

She would have wished to feel like Tim’s little girl, no longer measuring the hugs he gave Jake against the ones he gave her.

She would have wished for her biological father, Bob, to stabilize himself in treatment so they could be a healthy part of each other’s lives.  No matter how rocky the road, or how many times he disappointed, it would always be something she desperately desired.  As would I.

There was a song by Superchick that started out as a breakup song with her one serious boyfriend, but ended up being about her father.  She told me about this new perspective on the song about three months before the accident with eyes that were equally sad and hopeful, and then swallowed hard and asked me if I still loved her father; would I always? 

 Here are the words:

"Wishes" by Superchick

The saddest thing is you could be anything

 That you could want

 We could have been everything

 But now we're not

 Now it's not anything at all

 The hardest part was getting this close to you

 And giving up this dream I built with you

 A fairytale that isn't coming true

 You've got some growing up to do

 I wish we could have worked it out

 I wish Ididn't have these doubts

 I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now

 I wish I didn't know inside

 That it won't work out for you and I

 I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

 After all the things you put me through

 Tell me why I'm still in love with you

 And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call

 You broke my heart

 I'm taking it back from you

 And taking back the life I gave to you

 Life goes on before and after you

 I've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out

 I wish I didn't have these doubts

 I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now

 I wish I didn't know inside

 That it won't work out for you and I

 I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

 It's time I said my last goodbye

 Goodbye

 Goodbye

 It's time I said my last goodbye