Raw

No sleep tonight.  I keep seeing her laid carefully out in the casket I couldn't choose.  I see her dress, that flattered her cute little figure, making her waist look impossibly small.  I can still remember smoothing the fabric down, and feeling her flesh underneath that had become so disturbingly rigid.  I remember straightening that sweater of mine that she always wanted to borrow...the black one with the little pearls.  I kept kissing the little scrape on the back of one of her hands, as if I could somehow make things better that way...habit, I suppose. 

Cory and I had covered nearly every topic imaginable during our time together.  Naturally, one of them was how we each felt about kissing corpses.  We have always been an affectionate bunch, our family.  Cory told me numerous times, "I love you more than anything, Mom, but no way, man...I just can't do it.  Dead people creep me out."
I pointed out that I didn't think she had ever seen a deceased person up close.  "Just remember, Cory, it would be your last chance to say goodbye.  I can't believe you wouldn't want to get one last kiss from your beloved Mommy."
She just rolled her eyes at me, and said, "I'd better get tons of kisses now then, cause  kissing a dead person...I just can't do it."

So in a twist of events I had never even considered, Cory never had to face that dilemma.  It was I who spent every moment I was allowed staring down in rapt adoration at my daughter's dear face.  I felt not the slightest qualm to kiss her, and our last goodbye very nearly came to my needing physical assistance to be led away.  That's a story to be shared on a night I am feeling stronger.

Tonight, I try to veer my thoughts away from her lifeless body, her beautiful face that would never smile at me again, but I am drawn back, pulled back relentlessly to see her in the outfit I had chosen with love, knowing she had felt beautiful when she'd last worn it.  I am back at her side, feeling the chill of her skin, wanting to hold her hand, but afraid to move it, so simply laying mine on top of hers.  I am turning away as they adjust her jewelry for the last time.  I cannot stand to see my baby girl -although with infinite gentleness and the utmost respect- handled like a mannequin as these adjustments are made.  Pearls for Mommy and a dragonfly pendant for my CoryGirl...sharing jewelry one last time.

I cannot believe it has been over three hundred days since I have last kissed her face.  It feels like yesterday.  The wounds are gaping open tonight.  And they are raw.