Progress

So where were we?  Oh yes, not in a good place.
So what happened?  The same thing that has happened before.  I fell completely apart, and slowly started to put myself together again, with help from mental health professionals, and frankly, a wonderful new medication that has returned my sleep and appetite to nearly what it was prior to Cory's death.  This is amazing, and I'll tell you more about it, but first...

I was feeling homeless, spinning out of control, just searching and trying to find a way to feel less unsettled, and less of a vagabond.  I took a couple days away from work, and tried to be as kind and patient to myself as I would be to a dear friend in the exact same situation.

Something that occurred to me while enjoying these quiet moments was that Cory would likely have given a lot for one more day.  Just one.  I have got to make myself look for the small joys, and draw them near.

I affirmed again that there is nothing and no one that will ever fill her place.  She is my heart, always, and always.  It is so difficult every day to accept that the accident happened and she is, indeed, gone.  It takes me by surprise upon waking often enough to make my anxiety climb the walls.

While I was home sick, I remembered my father commenting after the accident that Cory would want us to keep going because she LOVED life, and lived it to the fullest every chance she got.  She knew how to have fun, and she loved deeply.  As her nurse said to me, "She never stopped trying to have a good day."  She had to get that strength from somewhere.  Be patient with me, dear readers, as I appear dumbfounded and look behind me to see who you might possibly be referring to...could she have gotten such strength....from me...?  Maybe?

Then one day, while collaging, which is fast and intuitive and completely frees my mind, I thought about this- what if I had a choice between having Cory for nineteen years or another child for every day until I died?  Well, I'd pick Cory, no contest.  She was amazing!  So there you have it.  I  can't really argue with myself on that one.

From there, I started thinking about what a rich history with her that I have to draw from- so many songs, movies, moments, and milestones.  We  planted so many seeds, so so many, and they are still sprouting.  Still!  We were each other's constant for nearly 20 years.  It was a love story for the ages, and I was blessed to be part of it.