All I've Got

Every day is a struggle, and I don't think other people realize how hard it is to walk around with these pictures in your head and the terrible knowledge lodged down deep in your gut.  It's exhausting, and every step burns.  It's hard to feel joyful about anything when she's no longer here.  It's like missing a part of myself...never whole, never whole!

I was relieved today at Jake's counseling appointment to hear him say he doesn't think I talk about Cory too much.  He thinks how much I talk about her is just right.  He doesn't feel forgotten or neglected.  He feels loved and celebrated.  When those days come that I can't get out of bed, God love him, he understands.  He worries, but he knows I will come back to care for him and that these times of debilitating anguish are just part of the package...the same way he's withdrawn from most everyone around him.  It is what it is.  But we love each other.  We are doing the best we can, feeling our way through a daily nightmare.

Jake worries about what will happen to his relationship with Cory when he can talk to her anytime he wants, but she never answers back.  Bless his sweet heart.  He misses her so much- his daily companion.  I have days that literally nothing else in the world even matters- not work, not bills, nothing.  Just show me her face.  Please, I just need to kiss her face.

I asked Jacob if he thought I was still a good Mommy, and held my breath a little.  His answer came quickly, a vigorous nodding of the head and beautiful reassurance in his eyes.  I'm not the same mom I was before the accident, but at least he  thinks I'm still doing more right than wrong.

So here we are, embarking on another spring without her.  This is supposed to be the time when everything is new again.  I try to dredge up a little enthusiasm when the sun shows its face.  Still, it's a countdown to July.  The first real heat wave is always the worst, as it transplants me back in time.  Everyone is elated, and I'm simply horrified.

It still bothers me to see any type of rescue workers in uniform out in the community.  At coffee the other day, a police officer walked in, and my words trailed off forgotten.  I was silenced, and immediately back at the road.  Sirens do the same thing to me.

There are many triggers.  As much as I might like to, I can't just snap out of it.  Her death will haunt me all the days of my life.  The trauma makes living those days frightening and uncertain.

I'm doing the best I can.  This is all I've got.