Coming Up

I've been in bed since the day after Jake's birthday and every time I've started to write, I've pushed it away.  I have not washed my face, taken a shower, or left the house. I haven't talked to anyone, or wanted to, except maybe Jake.   It's been four days, and tomorrow I have to go back to work, so here I am.  I am showered.  I am writing.  I am coming up for air.

I kept it festive for Jake's birthday.  I didn't mention Cory, but I didn't have to.  Five minutes after I'd woken him up, singing "Happy Birthday" with a lit candle in a cupcake at his bedside, he was crying for her.  Missing her steals his joy, too.  It is our reality.

 I made him go to school even though he wanted to stay home all day and just remember her...just close his eyes and remember what it used to be like when she was still here with us.  The fact that I made him go means I'm stronger.  Last year, I'd have let him stay home, and probably called into work myself.  Progress.

We went on to his birthday dinner.  We were as happy as we could be, and Cory's name was spoken all night long.

Immediately after Christmas comes Jake's birthday, and immediately after Jake's birthday comes Cory's.  Every year since her death, I can feel the depression closing in one me, slowly but surely, like one of those weighted blankets you can buy to help you sleep.

I start to do the math to figure out how old she'd be on any given day.   I start to imagine what she might be like if she were alive, and what the relationship between Cory and Jacob might look like now that he is fourteen, and she would be twenty two years, ten months, and twenty five days old.

I put their pictures next to each other and make wishes.  And I sleep a lot to escape what will never be.

"the hardest part was getting this close to you..and giving up this dream I built with you...a fairytale that isn't coming true"

I never expected my fairy tale to come true.  I gave it my all about three dozen times.  I survived.  I survived not having my family with Bob.  I survived being separated from my husband just fine, and if we someday divorce, I will survive that, too.
 I never expected my fairy tale to come true.
 But I also didn't expect to ever kiss the lid of my daughter's coffin. I didn't expect to ever watch as they lowered her into the ground.  

I could always live without my Prince Charming.  

She's the one I'm really struggling to live without.