Someday

One of the things I notice when I pore over photographs of Cory is what my house used to look like before she died.  It was far cleaner and more orderly than it is now.  There were small touches of comfort apparent in the background- things you don't even think about when life is normal:  fresh veggies for cooking, flowers, blankets, candles.  When I look at those pictures, I remember what it was like when life made sense.  Maybe Cory's illness didn't always make sense to me, but we had each other, and that made everything possible if not always ideal.

What I've had to figure out since Cory died is how to fight for myself.  Fighting for her was easy; it was involuntary, like breathing.  I would do anything for my children.  When she died, I lost a huge part of my identity.  I lost my purpose.  I had to figure out why I was left behind, and what I had left to give.  I had to remember I have a son, and if I'd do anything for Cory, I should be able to do the same for him.

One of the things I've gained during this tour of hell is perspective.  Mental health is not something you either have or don't.  Everyone has it.  And just because yours is pretty solid on any given day doesn't mean it can't change dramatically in the blink of an eye...in a second.

I think of the people who survive terrible accidents, but have to learn how to walk and talk again.  Going through losing a child isn't much different.  Your insides are hollowed out.  Your brain is compromised.  You have to learn how to function, how to take care of yourself, and how to begin to start thinking of others.  It's a long, hard road.

One day I hope to look back at pictures of Jake at fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen and spy some veggies on the cutting board in the background.  I hope to see some flowers on the dining room table.  I hope to see the flicker of a candle on the countertop.  I hope.

Returning to prior functioning levels isn't just about regulating your sleeping and eating habits.  It's not just showing up at work every day or remembering to pay your bills on time.  It's about relearning the search for joy.  It's about making your environment comfortable and beautiful, or at least wanting to...not just surviving each day, but enjoying the individual moments.

In the end, you remember the moments not the days.  I want to make the most of my moments.  I'm ready to do more than simply endure.