Strong

This one is for Cory.  They all are, in one way or another, but this one especially.

Cory, I have always admired your strength. 

Let's talk about strength.  What do you think it is?

I see a lot of posts on face book with the miserable looking young woman and a quote, "Smiling on the outside when you're falling apart on the inside...that's being strong."  Or, "A strong woman will tell you she's fine even when she's not."  These women are always alone in the pictures.

These mottos just aren't my idea of strength or what I tried to instill in Cory. 

I think real strength means having the courage to say what people don't necessarily want to hear.  If Cory were here today, sitting across from me here in the studio, I think she would tell you that saying you're ok when you're not doesn't help you or anyone else.  If someone that you trust asks you how you're doing, and it happens to be far from good, my advice is to sing...sing that shit like a canary.  That is the only way to get the support you need and to keep your yourself in honest relationships with others.

The times that Cory did tell people what they wanted to hear- the times she wore the mask for other people's benefit, it wore her down.  She had twice the pain and stress- the symptoms themselves, and the added struggle of playing a part she shouldn't have to play.

I think she would say to take the help that is offered to you, even if it is only a listening ear.

So, on that note, I'd like to share the following:

TRUTH:  Some days are ugly; some days I feel ugly.

TRUTH:  Some days, I don't even feel like I'm really here anymore.  I am watching a much older, much weathered, pretty much broken version of myself walk and talk through my "home" set and my "work" set, smiling in the right places, and wearing the right shoes.

TRUTH:  I'm really not ok.

I guess anyone who has recently lost a child, and stumbled on this blog might be disheartened to see how things are some fourteen to fifteen months after the unexpected death of your child.  Maybe they will need to find another blog with a little more hope.  All I know is I promised to tell the truth.

That's what I always asked of my Cory-Girl, and that's what she expects of me.  After all her Madre is strong.