Not Guilty

For reference as you read this post:

"Thanks for turning her into a retard, then letting her play in traffic...You protected her?  You **cking killed her, how do you live with yourself...rot in hell!!!"
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It's interesting how things that hurt you can spur so much growth.  Yesterday, someone I used to know named me as my child's murderer, and not for the first time...but for the first time, instead of taking the ugly accusation on and grafting it closely onto my own absurd guilt, I just shook my head.  "Ridiculous."

And it was.  It was absolutely ridiculous.  I may always wish I'd made a different decision about Cory walking to the grocery store that day, but in no way did I intentionally place her in harm's way.  There was no foresight to what took place. I thought to myself of what an extremely cautious parent I'd been to Cory, and even more so after her illness struck- something my accuser would know had he been around to witness my parenting style.

Yeah, it was upsetting, but for once, it didn't break me down.  It seems I no longer succumb to that portion of the guilt, and good for me!

I had to wonder why my accuser would say such a terrible thing to me.  He must be hurting horribly, and he might be housing some blame or regrets of his own about Cory.  So to him, I say this:  Go ahead, blame me.  You can't break my heart.  It's full of my daughter, and she can't be hurt anymore by anything or anyone.

When I look back on Cory's life, I see myself in so many tiny moments, sharing her life and making it better.  I have many beautiful pictures of her, and while I treasure them, they aren't the only way I can conjure her.  I have so much more than a handful of staged snapshots to fall back on.  It makes me feel bad, and kind of sorry for this person who was so quick to lash out at me.

I was angry at first, wanting only to scream from the rooftop that I am no longer your whipping post and I won't carry your regrets for you!  I am not responsible for your choices!  I wanted to shame him- what would Cory think of what you said?  How would she look at you?

Then after mulling it over for a day or so, I realized that although it was not his intention, he has helped me with his nasty words...amazing how many lessons I've learned at this man's hands.    One, I have attempted to understand why he may have been so hurtful instead of simply retaliating, which means I might finally be growing up.

 And two, he has helped me externalize my own misguided guilt and begin to defend myself.  Do you understand what I mean?  I was dogging myself day in and day out for what happened, even though I had no control over it.  I was content to label myself Cory's killer, and hang my head for all of time.  But when someone else was the one accusing me, I had enough distance to look at it for what it was:  complete and total crap.

I also made this realization.  My one regret is letting Cory go to the store that day.  I have no others.  None.  Do you know how amazing that is? There were hard, hard choices to raising that amazing young woman, and I am proud of the ones I made.   I loved her fully; I knew her; she was treasured beyond belief.  I was an incredible mother and friend to her.

 I can be proud of that.  Scratch that, I AM proud of that.  There are, I'm sure, other parents out there who lose a child, and may have to deal with the what if's of allowing a simple walk to the store AND living the rest of their life regretting time not spent with their child or not being a consistent, positive presence in their life.

Call me whatever you want, my friend.  I know that's not me.