Damn it, I'm down to 9...now what?

       This list was made back in October, a little over three months after the accident.  Although I had wanted to die from moment one, it took about that long for the shock to fade enough that I might actually be capable of action.  There were times I felt disconnected from everyone...and long periods of time when I felt disconnected from myself, as if I was watching someone else in a movie.  The character should do whatever would make her feel better...what did I care?  That wasn't really me.

       When at long last I crawled out of that deep, dark, well, and was able to look down at where I had been, I was petrified of returning there.  As friends and family handed me flashlights, lanterns, and the like, I was able to see just how gruesome my time down there had been...no light, no water, no food, and virtually no hope of escaping- for the walls were slimy and slick.  I just hadn't been able to get a grip.  On close examination, I could see just what my struggles had cost me...there were scratch marks, deep furrows, and splotches of my own blood, dried and almost black.  My hands- chapped, bleeding, and sporting ragged fingernails- would forever tell the tale.

To have gotten out at all was a miracle.  Now, I must do my best not to fall back in.
So I sat down, while I was in a healthier state of mind, and made myself a list of things I did have to live for. 

I don't have to tell you I've read it many, many times.                                     
Do I?                                                                       

 

 

My Top 10 Reasons NOT to Commit Suicide

 

1.        Jacob deserves the mother Cory had her whole life.  No matter what struggles she faced, I never left her side.  Jacob deserves the same.

2.       Tim would be heartbroken, and likely ill.  Perhaps hospitalized.

3.       Mom and Dad would be devastated, and have already suffered enough in losing Cory.

4.       I would never be able to read another book.  Stephen King, or otherwise.  Just think about that…

5.       I would never be able to write again.  I would never again feel the excitement of the perfect word choice, the sentence that makes my reader cry, or the passage that makes my reader burst into laughter.

6.       There are dresses out there waiting for me to wear them in the way only I can.  Likewise, shoes, boots, and handbags.

7.       My sisters would miss me.  I am possibly the funniest one of the four. 

8.       My cat, Sassy, would never leave my bedroom again.  Seriously, she wouldn’t.  She barely does now.

9.       I would never be able to smash (scrapbook) again.  It is creative, therapeutic, and inspiring.  It gives me hope.  Keep smashing, and hope will return.

10.   Cory’s story deserves to be told, and I am the best one to do it.  I knew and loved her better than anyone.

Bonus reason:  Actually, it could get worse.  I could be at the E.R. right now, unable to poop,