Cory's accident was on July 5th. Her beloved feline companion, Church, passed away shortly after. This was a compounded loss, for we mourned not only the loss of our loved pet and family member, but another close connection to Cory.
About a week ago, I found out my beloved feline companion, Sassy, had diabetes. The vet assured me it could be managed. I went home with insulin, syringes, and a newfound respect for those who give injections. But at least, she would live.
On what was planned to be a sleepy Saturday morning, I found her collapsed, barely conscious. I rushed her to the vet, who was cautiously optimistic. The plan: she would spend the weekend getting stabilized, and be home by Monday, with a larger dose of insulin.
Sunday morning, I received a call from the vet that things were not as optimistic as they had hoped. Sassy had a rare complication to her diabetes that was extremely difficult to treat in cats. They could not guarantee she would last the weekend.
I gathered myself from the puddle on the floor, and went to see her at the vet.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I knew as soon as they brought her in that this would be our last good-bye. She was too weak to move, and made no sound to let me know she had seen me. But then her eyes fixed on mine. She knew.
The attendant laid her body, wrapped in a soft towel, on the metal table. Respectfully, she backed away, her face wearing that expression I'd become all too familiar with...it said, Nothing can be done about this.
Working with a calm I didn't actually possess, I took my coat off, and sat it behind me on the counter. Mom face, Nick. It is time for Mom face. I touched Sassy's face first, feeling the boniness of her temple through her fur.
"Can I pick her up?" I asked the attendant.
"Oh, of course. I'll just leave you to spend some time together. Take as long as you need." she answered, before walking out quietly, perhaps gratefully. I imagine we were hard to see.
Here I was with my last girl. Sassy had been with me for seventeen years, just two years less than Cory. I had always been her human. In her latter years, she left her spot right beside me on my bed, only when absolutely neccessary...food, toileting, or fire.
As I bent over to pick her up, I thought to look her over, and opened up the towel. Tears began rolling freely down my cheeks as I saw her limbs had become wasted sticks. When I hefted her slight weight, I could feel every knobby protrusion of her spinal column. How had it gotten this bad this quickly?
She made no sound, just looked up at me with her beautiful green eyes that were full of pain, misery, and a muddled sort of joy to see I had come for her, after all. Are we going home? they seemed to ask.
"Hey, pretty girl. I'm here." I whispered weakly, before shivering all over as I uttered the words to my pet that I hadn't been able to say to my daughter.
I couldn't help but to wonder what it would have been like to kneel there on the road beside Cory and murmur those words? To run my hand along her cheek? Touch her hair?
For a moment, I was nearly there, roadside, but then I came back to myself, recognizing the tiny, wasted bundle in my arms.
I turned my gaze back to my Sassy girl. I spoke soothingly, quietly. I told her I loved her, so very much. I told her what a good girl she had always been. I gently rubbed my cheek against hers, our special hug since she was a kitten.
I reached inside the towel to find her paw. She could not lift it. I held it, and then cautiously took her out of the towel to hoist her up against my chest so she could smell my scent, and hear my heartbeat.
I was struck by all the times she had casually draped herself across my chest like a fur stole as I read in bed. I recalled all the times in the last several months that she had lain on me as I sobbed for my daughter.
I couldn't help but to wonder what it would have felt like to hold Cory against my chest there on the road, and feel her warmth one last time.
As I looked down at Sassy's tiny face, the tears just poured. I was grateful I'd made it in time to see Sassy, and at the same time destroyed that I hadn't been able to offer any of these words or gestures to my Cory Girl.
Carefully, I lowered myself to the floor, and sat against the wall, rocking Sassy gently. I know I spoke to her, but I have no idea what I said.
She watched me, weakly, unable to respond in any way. Her eyes, though...her eyes told me I was adored beyond measure, that I was her world, and please, please don't leave me here alone.
I stuck out my chin. Sassy would not die alone. And she would not die here. I would bundle her, and take her home to be in her favorite place in the world: my bed. I had just made up my mind on this matter, when the vet on duty walked quietly into the room. With kindness and care, she explained Sassy's situation, which was grave. She had no chance of surviving. She took time to answer all my questions, the last of which being, "Can I take her home?"
Regretfully, she shook her head, "No, I'm afraid that would be painful for her and for you to see."
I broke into tears. Between my sobs, I explained about Cory and Church. I could not leave Sassy here to die alone. She could not be alone, as Cory had been.
The vet slid down on the floor across from me, and captured my eyes with hers before saying gently, "The kindest thing would be to put her to sleep. But I will respect your decision."
With those words, I began sobbing somewhat hysterically. Keep in mind, I had come to say good-bye, but not to initiate it.
I was nodding my assent before I could speak. Sassy was too ill to recover and lead a normal life. It was best to let her go. My sobbing grew into harsh intakes of air as I recognized the parallel of this situation to that of Cory's. Cory had been severely injured. She would not have been able to recover and lead a normal life.
I held Sassy to my chest and cried, my heart a useless hunk of flesh in the cavity of my chest. It had been broken... twisted...damaged...and was now barely able to support a life I was no longer sure I wanted. I could feel Sassy's flesh, nothing more than folds of skin hanging loosely over her bones, her whole body now a jigsaw puzzle of sharp corners and angles.
I walked out into the lobby that was surrounded by windows, and chose a wooden bench. I lowered myself onto it, with Sassy in tow, and rested my back against its side. I looked down at her, touching her cheek, her forehead, under her chin...
as I did, a wave of bittersweet nostagia overtook me. I remembered doing the same to Cory when she was a baby, then a toddler, as I recited the little poem:
"Forebender,
eyewinker, tummytinker,
nosesmeller, moutheater,
chinchopper....
GOLLYWHOPPER!"
I could see Cory's chubby little cheeks, full of joy, giggling helplessly as I tickled her under the chin. "More, Mommy, more."
I kissed Sassy's sweet face, remembering what it had been like to kiss Cory's cheek. I wished I'd done it more often...she could never get enough.
As I looked down to adjust my precious bundle, I noticed that Sassy's head was leaning too far on one side. I moved my hand to support her, and got a better look at her eyes. They had begun to change.
"Sassy?" I whispered.
Her eyes were murky, and glazed over, dull marbles without life.
She was gone.
The attendant took her to the back to be checked, promising to return her immediately, either way.
Moments later, the attendant was back, confirming what I already knew. Although she was gone, I took her back into my arms, determined to have this time that had been denied me with Cory.
Cory had been immediately covered with a sheet. As long as I live, I will never forget the slow and torturous swoop of that bright, white fabric as it parachuted over my child's fallen body. I willed it to stop its descent, but it fell regardless, blocking her from my greedy sight, and making her something that was finished.
I was asked to leave the scene. I was not allowed to touch her.
So here I sat with my Sassy. I rocked her dead body. I kissed her cold face. I held her frail little body to mine, that was already beginning to stiffen. I sat with her, and did what a mother does.
I sat with my girl.
No comments:
Post a Comment