He padded back out to the living room, and left me in my own reverie of our wedding day. There is a picture in my wedding album of Tim with Cory up in his arms, dancing at the reception. I could see some anxiety on her face, even then changes- even the positive ones- caused her some distress. In her mind, she must have been questioning, “Am I still loved? Will I be loved as much? And by the way, just what is the pecking order in this new family dynamic?” Bless her heart, she needn’t have worried. Cory was and has always been my number one.
In this photograph, mixed with the anxiety, was a dubious sort of joy on her face as she looked up into the eyes of a man who was kind to her, kind to her mother, and actually wanted to stay. The expression on her face said she wasn’t quite sure how we had gotten so lucky this time around, but she wasn’t asking any questions, just in case the dream ended, and she woke up.
Years later, when there was a hitch in the fairy tale family life, and Tim did indeed leave, Cory was panic stricken. She wasted no time searching out her biological father. She had a burning need- as we all do- to belong to someone. For the next few years of her adolescence, Cory struggled with the revelations of getting to know her biological father. While he was indeed wildly charismatic and lovable, he struggled with daily life and maintaining healthy relationships. Forging a super close relationship in which he played the part of the dedicated, stable father and she was Daddy’s little princess was something they both desperately wanted, but just couldn’t attain. It seems you cannot go back in time, wipe the slate clean, and start from go. Bob expected the world from her- complete forgiveness mixed with complete amnesia. His new found religious beliefs led him to expect divine pardoning from every person he had wronged. It made him absolutely furious when I pointed out Cory and I weren’t capable of that. We could forgive, we could turn the page, but we could not forget. Our guard would be up, at least for awhile. We were not God. Abandonment sticks, buddy. Just be glad you got another shot. Now take it slow.
Cory, in turn, expected Bob to be the perfect dream Dad she’d always wanted, who along with sporting ears and feet just like hers would adore her, and conduct himself like every dad she'd seen on the Disney Channel. He would be patient, supportive, kind, and loving. Some days Bob was all of these things. Other days his illness showed through like the lacey edge of a yellowing slip peeking out from under an older lady’s best church dress. You couldn’t miss seeing it, and once you had, you wish you hadn’t. It was unsightly, and all too sad.
It was heartbreaking to watch as these two people that I loved dearly wished for what could never be. Finding a new place to start just didn’t seem to be enough to satisfy either of them. As they discovered this for themselves, bit by painful bit, they became increasingly irritated with each other, and resentments grew. Perhaps if there had been more time, perhaps if they were both stabilized at the same time, perhaps…
While all this took place, Tim was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. He got himself into counseling, and on the right medication. When Cory was at the height of her illness, he burst in the door just in time to catch me as I was falling over from pure fear and exhaustion. Cory at the worst of her psychosis usually seemed to be about eight years old. Even her voice would change to the one I remember from the days she was small enough to still need my help doing her hair every morning. Instead of calling me “Mom”, I became “Mommy” once again.
Was it then any surprise that she accepted Tim back into our lives with such wholehearted eagerness, and ease? She was in most ways that eight year old again. Timber had been a safe haven when she was an eight year old and had earned the right to be called Dad years ago. He was now back in her life, providing stability and support that she desperately needed from a man. She had Grandpa. She had Uncle Bud. While they both loved her dearly, and had enormous impact on her life, Tim was the one who had taken her to the ER when she broke her arm. Tim was the one who had brought her a clean outfit when she peed her pants in her front of the class in second grade. He comforted her when he found her in wet pants, crying, completely mortified, and fearful of social ostracizing at the tender age of seven.
Tim was the one who had fussed at her to pick up her toys her entire childhood, had nagged her to eat her green beans, had gone to see her school programs, and had watched her say her part at the church Christmas plays every single year. Despite whatever rumours are still out there about electroconvulsive therapy, Cory's long term memories did not budge. She remembered everything...the happier days when she was in a secure two parent home included.
Every bit of history that Cory wished she shared with Bob, she already shared with Tim. There was a foundation there… a strong one. All that needed to happen for Cory to get what she needed from Tim was to keep getting better every day, and let time do the rest.
And that’s just where they were when the accident happened. They were joking around, watching movies together, and being silly. Every Saturday afternoon, Cory would hug Tim good-bye when he went to work, and he would kiss her cheek. They had started having Daddy/Daughter lunches once a week, just the two of them. To see their bond strengthening, and to see how much it helped Cory was amazing.
She now knew who she was; she knew who her real parents were. She knew which things she had inherited, and which things she had been taught. She could relax, and take life day by day. I think it was a huge inspiration for Cory to have a model of someone with a mental illness,who managed it successfully, living in her household. Tim worked, and had a family. He took his meds, went to the doctor, and didn’t abuse substances. Cory had told me several times her worst fear was ending up like her father- abusing substances, not able to work consistently, without a family, and sporting a somewhat checkered past with the law.
So, when the accident happened, everything was cut short. Tim and Cory had gotten as close as they ever would. I knew it wasn’t everything that Cory had longed for her whole life. It wasn’t what I had longed for her to have…what she deserved, what every child deserves. I felt powerless about this… so naturally I attacked my husband.
TO BE CONTINUED
No comments:
Post a Comment